Category Archives: God

Missiology of a Family

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I’ve been reading, (big surprise to those of you who’ve known me for a while), but not fiction, 2 books on parenting.  This has encouraged me in some ways, scared me in others, excited me overall, and caused me to evaluate how I’m doing.  Let me be the first to say, I don’t have it all together. Spend an hour alone with me and the kids, and you’ll see that!

The first book we received from a parenting seminar that Marty and the other Youth Pastors from our church association put together, is called Apparent Privilege.  I would highly recommend it, not that it gave a whole lot of new information, but was a great encouragement to us as parents.  The main gist is that we as parents are our children’s primary spiritual influencers, either to Christ or away from Christ.  This is something we’ve seen to be true in 10 years of youth ministry with very little exception.

The second book, Sticky Faith, is a follow up to the research Kara Powell and Fuller Youth Institute have conducted over the last few years.  This information has challenged me, and I’m not even through with it.  This book combats the fact that around 80% of teenagers in the church leave after graduating high school, meaning their faith hasn’t “stuck.”  Honestly, this terrifies me, for my kids in the church (who I’ve always loved as my own), and my own natural children.  Most of these kids interviewed had parents who were “doing everything right”:  bringing their children to church, encouraging them to be involved in activities, etc.  But their faith didn’t stick.  I’ll probably write more about this as I read more about it, but today my topic is in the chapter that I’m reading right now.

The author discusses the fact that growing up, her husband knew what his family stood for; their mission so to speak. That caused me to think about what my birth family stood for and what I want for my own family.  Please hear me now, we’re not perfect, we’re not getting this right currently, but we want to desperately.

My family of origin is great, I love them, all of them, and my parents, by the grace of God, produced 3 children who are in the ministry.  I would have said that you described our family as one who sought to do what the Lord said to the best of our ability, where the word of God was prized.  I remember in my teen years having discussions with my dad in particular about what scripture said and what was taught.  Were we a little legalistic, probably, scratch that, definitely.  But it was out of a heart to be holy as the Lord is Holy, or at least that’s how I saw it. My parents honestly wanted to please the Lord.  They always encouraged us to do what God told us to do, and I thank them for that.

That is exactly what I want for my children, and so much more. Well, except for the legalism part.

I want our family to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and talk about that when we eat, sleep, sit, rise, walk.  My desire is that the love of the Lord covers everything that we do.

Second, I want our family to be salt and light. (I’m about to address some issues that were raised from my last post.)  Of course, as a follower of Christ I want to be about the great commission, and I want my children to be about the same; when they are believers.  Right now they’re not, so they are under their father’s and my authority in that.  It’s our job to protect them from satan, who scripture says roams like a roaring lion, and to teach them.  We will most likely be part of a homeschooling cohort that, while I will be their primary teacher, we will have some interaction with on a weekly (or more) basis.  There’s one in a nearby community and one in Corinth, MS that we’re looking into, and they are not church related, meaning we’ll come in contact with people who don’t believe the same things we do.  We have very dear friends, who don’t believe the same things we do, we love them, and cherish their friendship.  At church we have children and youth coming from a variety of backgrounds.  One family practices the Hindu faith yet their son is there every Wednesday night.  Annaliese takes dance lessons, and Isaac will play sports when he’s old enough.  My family can be salt and light in all of those situations.  My children can be salt and light, even though they currently are not salt and light, in the context of our family and our church.  That’s what I pray my children see: us, their parents, their church family being faithful to live what we say we believe.

Do I realize I’m going to screw up?  Every day.  Do I know that my children are not going to be perfect? Yeah, they’re going to make wrong choices, hopefully not as many as I did.  Is the way we’re doing things the only way? No, but it is the mission of our family.

Letting the Bomb Drop

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This post could have been a part of the last post I wrote, but I feel a long one coming on.

We have decided to homeschool.  Lots of you who read this already know this, but some don’t.  Like, I’m not sure Marty’s told his parents (sorry Marylin!)

My homeschooling journey began the day Isaac was born and I was sure that I would never want that baby out of my arms, much less my sight.  Marty was adamantly opposed.  He thought homeschool kids were weird, antisocial, and out of touch.  And, let’s  just be honest, some are, just as the same can be said for any child in any situation.  But, it was out of the question according to him, and I let it die.

Then, our surprise gift from God, Annaliese came into the world 14 months later and I determined that I could never homeschool two kids that close together and then Isaac’s stubborn, perfectionist personality came out (hmm, wonder where he gets that?) and I knew I could never homeschool him!  Honestly, I never really thought about it.  Yeah, from time to time one of the teenagers would say something about school and I would reply, “And that’s why I want to homeschool!”, but I was never really serious.

Then…..

A year ago Marty began an intense coaching program with one of the brightest youth ministry minds in the country and 10 other youth pastors from all over the southeast. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. At the same time Isaac started preschool 2 days a week, and absolutely loved it, loved being around other kids, loved learning, and loved playing in nasty playground rocks every day. I thought, “This is perfect, he loves school, it’s going to be no problem sending him to kindergarten.” So, as Marty begins his coaching network, we think that we have life planned out.

Then he reads a book called Teen 2.0, by Dr. Robert Epstein.  I would recommend it, but honestly the sheer size of it has deterred me from reading it!  But basically the author describes that teens are now radically different from the days of our parents, and in some ways this is good, but some not so great.  For instance, 100 years ago adolescence lasted about 2 years, now it lasts from as young as 8 in some girls to as late as 27 in some boys.  WHAT!?!  Even my sleep deprived brain could see that this was a problem.  The author advocated homeschooling because children’s brains need the increased responsibility and conversation with adults that this would afford.  Can it be done other ways?  Most definitely, I wasn’t homeschooled, and I definitely feel like I went into adulthood pretty responsible.

So we discussed it.  We said we’d pray about it, I don’t think I really did, because, like I said, I was happy with the status quo.  Especially when Annaliese started preschool as well, I loved my Mondays and Wednesdays free!  I could have a quiet time, that was actually quiet!  I could do laundry without someone “helping,” it was me time, and it was good!

But God began to put people in my path who homeschool.  People at my parent’s church, a new friend whose husband is in the ministry, and who am I kidding, I love the Duggars!  And then I began getting hit with scripture, the Shema (Deuteronomy 6:4-9) and Proverbs 22:6 in particular.  And frankly I began hearing things that I didn’t like, “You have to deprogram them when they come home,” and “The school atmosphere breeds a certain attitude,” and, in the past year 2 of our teenagers have been in bullying situations. Finally I consented to pray, and I actually did.  I began to talk with Marty about it, and we listed all the good things: Fridays off (Marty’s off most Friday’s so this was a definite plus!), flexibility, vacations can now be field trips, knowing what my children will be taught, teaching them things they will actually use (Algebra 2 anyone?).  We want them to have a healthy view of ministry: what it looks like, ways they can minister as young children, and homeschool will afford all of that.  Of course there are negatives as well…..socialization? My husband is a youth and children’s pastor we are ALWAYS around kids. Always. That wasn’t an issue.  So, then it boiled down to the opinions of others.

We don’t think that the school system where we live is terrible, quite the opposite actually, some of the smartest graduates I know have come out of this system.  We don’t think we’re better than anyone else, again I am confident I can’t do this alone.  We don’t want to separate our children from the rest of the world, we just want to teach them our values before everyone else gets too.  (Again, I know you can do this in the public school system, but how much easier will it be to not have to fight what we don’t believe is truth.)  Will we have problems?  Sure.  Is it going to be permanent?  Who knows.  Is it what is best for our children?  We think so.

What to do when what you love breaks your heart.

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Maybe it’s your wife.  Maybe it’s your kids.  Maybe it’s your friends.  Maybe, like me, it’s your ministry.  Sooner or later, something that you love is going to break your heart.  It may not mean to, but it’s going to happen.  Your plans, your time, your effort, they are all going to fail.  I know I sound incredibly depressing here, but I’m just trying to be honest.  Nothing in this life, not even Jesus, lives up to the expectations we place on it.  With that being said, let me tell you where this post comes from.

If you are an avid reader of my blog, you know that I don’t pull punches when it comes to talking about my life.  Today will be no different.  Right now, I’m experiencing one of the hardest seasons of ministry that I’ve ever faced in my 9 years of being at my church.  Kids seem largely uncommitted to the youth group.  The vision is there, but few seem to buy in.  The more I try to teach them about following Jesus and understanding their faith, the more worldliness I seem to see.  There are few older ones, and many younger ones.  When we sing, no one sings, just lots of standing and talking with friends.  We have discussion in Sunday School and no one talks.  I’m going to be honest here: I don’t know what to do.  I look at what I see on Facebook and Twitter and it, along with the other things I’ve mentioned, breaks my heart for these teenagers that Jesus and I dearly love.

So what do you do?  I wanted to share some things that I’m doing, that I have to remind myself of daily as I walk through this valley time, things that are helping me to stay sane as I work.

1.  Remember that YOUR effort isn’t ever going to be enough.  This is a big one.  I have to remember this on a daily basis, whether I’m in the middle of one of the best seasons or one of the worst.  What I do on my own is never going to be enough.  For a lot of people, this is exactly where heartbreak comes from.  You can’t be a good enough husband or wife.  You can’t be a good enough father or mother to your children.  You will never be the perfect friend.  You might not ever have a great day at your job.  You cannot do these things on your own, but through the power of Jesus, you can.  Our peace in our roles is directly dependent on our dependence in Jesus’ presence.  I can’t turn our teens around, but Jesus can.  I have to remember that.  I’m not enough, and I never will be.

2.  Trust in the promises of Scripture.  If you are in the middle of a crisis, and you are not in the Word, don’t be surprised if you feel like you can’t find the answers.  Scripture speaks to every emotion, every stage of life, and whatever you and I are going through, we can find something that speaks to it in the Bible.  When your wife doesn’t respond the way you want, when your kids seem out of control, when your friends leave, and your job sucks….where do you turn?  You aren’t enough, remember?  We must turn to Scripture and lose ourselves in it’s pages, realizing that God’s word is His love letter to us, and that He still speaks to us from it.  Take Scripture with you, write it on your hand, post it on your walls, whatever it takes to be able to see and remember what God has said.

3.  Seek Godly counsel.  When you are brokenhearted, nothing helps sometimes like a friend who will listen  But, may I suggest that we don’t just need friends who will listen, but friends who will listen, pray, and give us advice when we need it, not just when we want it.  The point here is that we need to surround ourselves with Godly people who will invest in our lives and point us back to Jesus in a loving way, who will help us hold on to what we believe.  These people become mentors of a sort, even if they are our own age, a person who is holding us accountable for what we say and do.  These are the people who will keep us from getting lost in our own despair by being there for us and not allowing us to wallow in the depression of “If I’d only done……”  Find these people, they are vital!

4.  Lastly, realize that you might be under spiritual attack.  Some people don’t like to talk about this, frankly because they don’t understand it.  We like to imagine nice plump cherubs floating through the air above our heads, playing their harps and shooting little arrows with hearts on the end of them, but we don’t often think about the demonic influences that are at play as well.  Before you back away, let me say this: if you believe in the existence of God and angels, you must believe in the existence of Satan and demons.  There is no one sided coin.  There is not just light, there is also darkness.

Let’s be honest, ok?  Satan hates any kind of victory in the Kingdom of God.  He is reminded of his fate with every step the Kingdom advances into this world, or into the lives of believers.  Therefore, he will do his best to attack the church, and individual believers.  Spiritual warfare is real, and holds real consequences.  So, those kids who don’t listen, that job that goes wrong, that spouse that seems argumentative and irritable…..sometimes it’s not just a bad day.  Satan is described in Scripture as a roaring lion looking for who he might devour.  He and his demons prowl, looking for ways to disrupt the work of God.  Satan’s chief way of hurting God is preying on his children.  So, recognize that the potential for demonic attack is there.  Not “invisible ghostman who drags you out into the woods and kills you” type of demonic attack as Hollywood has tried to glamorize, but real, disruptive forces that cause you and those around you to fight, bicker, stop loving each other, ignore the truth, and turn away from what’s real.

Every day I am reminded that I’m not enough.  And I’m glad I’m not. Seriously, I’m glad that what I can do is not enough.  Because if this were just up to me, I’d have packed it in a long time ago.  Walking through difficult seasons is hard, but if we are faithful, God has rewards for us at the end of them.  Perseverance always produces strength.  Just make it to the end, and you’ll see.  If you are facing a difficult situation, I’d love to pray for you today.  Leave the details in the comments below or send me a message at Google+ or Facebook.  I’d love to connect with you.

What Lilo and Stitch taught me about church

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About a week or so ago, we took the kids (along with three grandparents in tow) to see Disney on Ice.  You know what that is, right?  If you don’t, let me educate you in a few seconds: skaters dress up like your favorite Disney characters and skate around.  Sometimes they do tricks, but mostly, they condense some popular Disney movies into a 15 minute timeframe and tell the story.  It was a bit repetitive, but my kids were LOCKED IN.  Well, while they weren’t cramming their faces full of nachos, popcorn, and lemonade…(thanks Pepaw!  No, seriously, thank you for the food.  I was starving.)

Anyway, of course there was Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Minnie, and Donald, but they also told the stories of The Lion King, Lilo and Stitch, The Little Mermaid, and Peter Pan.  My kids are familiar with most of those, but they had never been exposed to Lilo and Stitch.  Of course, they wanted to watch it immediately.  So, last night (how’s that for timeliness?) we busted out the movie and sat down to watch it after dinner.  I saw it when it came out in theaters, but it’s been so long that I’d forgotten about it, honestly, and forgotten just how much I love it.

Lilo and Stitch is the story of an alien inventor who is on trial by the Galactic Federation for illegally creating Experiment 626, who we come to find out is Stitch.  He is indestructible and programmed to destroy, and though cute and cuddly, he is ferocious.  He escapes and somehow winds up on Earth, where he is mistaken for a dead dog and taken to the kennel.  He awakes and is bought by Lilo, who is a little girl who has no friends because of her rambunctious and sometimes strange mannerisms and personality.  She lives with her sister Nani because their parents are dead.  From there, the story unfolds into a tale about finding true family, and what it means to belong and feel loved.

The classic line from the movie is “Ohana”, which Lilo tells her sister means “family, and family means nobody gets left behind….or forgotten.”  As I watched the movie last night, the thought came into my mind about whether or not ohana exists today in the body of Christ.  If ohana means what it does, that we are family and no one gets left behind or forgotten, how are we doing as a church when it comes to the concept of family?

The movie teaches that love comes in lots of shapes and sizes.  Lilo is annoying, doesn’t listen, and is obsessed with Elvis.  Stitch is a furry alien with 4 arms and a penchant for eating couch cushions.  Nani is overworked and frustrated with life, Lilo, and herself.  All of the characters in this movie have multiple issues they are working through.

Is this like our churches?  NEWS FLASH: everyone in our congregations are dealing with multiple issues, and most are scared to reveal them because they are afraid that they won’t fit into the “family”.  Too often we make the church family conditional instead of showing the same unconditional love that Christ shows to us.  We let the Lilo’s, Stitch’s, and Nani’s fall through the cracks because getting into those situations is messy, and often we don’t deal with messy people without getting some of that mess on ourselves.

But that is the beauty of discipleship!  Jesus didn’t tell us that he came into the world to stay clean….he came into this world to reach the lost!  That’s why he ate with sinners and tax collectors.  That’s why he constantly was surrounded by people.  That’s why he touched the unclean.  Do you honestly think that at the end of the day that Jesus didn’t have a little physical and relational dirt on him?

If we apply the concept of ohana to our churches, then all people are on a level playing field.  No one gets left behind.  No one is forgotten.  No one is more important because they’ve been there longer, or are a deacon, or because they give a bunch.  And the single mom with 3 kids from different daddy’s is the same as the preened and proper gentlemen in the 3 piece suit that he’s worn for 40 years.

Because no one gets forgotten
Because no one gets left behind.
The playing field is level at the foot of the cross.
The way Jesus intended it to be.

Does your church have “ohana?”

Humbled again.

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I’m a nursing home preacher.  Yep.

Every month that has five Wednesdays, I go on the fifth Wednesday and speak to a collected group of nursing home residents at the Tri-County Convalescent Home in Adamsville.  And we have a great time.  We (or I, mostly) sing, I speak, and then I walk around and shake hands and talk and basically get loved on by the people there.  It’s pretty great for my ego, which means it’s bad for me.

Yesterday I went there to speak on Psalm 50:8-15, on how God doesn’t need anything, even us, but He wants us desperately.  We sang Amazing Grace, and they sang LOUD, which was a surprise!  About halfway through my talk, I noticed a man in a wheelchair enter in the back of the room.  My pastor had told me to watch out for a man named Richie, and this had to be him.  I smiled at him and continued talking, and eventually, after everything was over, I got around to meeting him.

His head was slumped to the side, but his eyes were sharp and bright.  He smiled at me as I got close and wanted to shake my hand, so I shook and he pulled my close, telling me that he loved the Word, and that he was glad I was there that day.  

If I didn’t get out of there soon, my head was going to be too big to fit through the door.  

Then, he asked me something that thoroughly deflated my sense of pride: can I pray for you?  

This guy, in the wheelchair, slumped over, barely able to speak…..he wants to pray for me?

Ummmm….sure, I said.

So, I knelt by his wheelchair and listened as he came before the Father and asked for me to have peace, joy, and most of all, God’s presence in my life.  He thanked God for meeting me and then said Amen.

I couldn’t speak.  I was floored.  Humbled.  

I thought I was there for them, but Richie showed me that they were there for me that day.  After three weeks of being out of the office, of camp and VBS chaos, peace and joy were all I needed.  How did he know?

Because God knew.  And I believe that Richie has a special relationship with God.  And I’m looking forward to seeing him again so I can see how that plays out in his life.  

Thanks God, for using the things I least expect to remind me of how humble I should be constantly.  

A Divine Appointment

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divine appointment

I had a divine appointment today.

You may not know what those are, or you may say that I’m a bit old fashioned for using that terminology, but that’s ok. A divine appointment is when you find yourself in a situation that you step back from later and realize that God was all over it. You couldn’t have made it happen on your own. They are rare, and a privilege.

My divine appointment was with Rick today.

I was standing around with some adults after recreation was over at children’s camp, and we started to talk about where we had taken our youth to camp. I mentioned we had been to Canada a couple of years ago and that’s when I met Rick. Rick was an older man with rose colored lenses in his glasses and a quiet disposition. He looked tired, but also kind, and soon we found ourselves talking about Canada and all it’s quirks.

That was when everything changed.

Rick looks at me, and he says, “Please keep me in your prayers. I have terminal cancer that started in my lungs, has moved to my kidneys, and is now eating away at my bones.”

Shocked, I just nodded. This guy has terminal cancer, and he’s at camp?! Hold up. If I was dealing with that kind of disease, I think the last place I’d want to be is at camp.

Rick went on to explain that he’d just learned about how serious it was this past Monday, while his daughters were with their track groups. He hadn’t told them yet, and he didn’t want them to know so they could enjoy their week. He showed me a picture of them, and I recognized one, a girl who had been zooming around campus all week long in a motorized wheelchair.

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say anything. I suddenly felt very small. So, I did the only thing I knew to do: I prayed for Rick. I grabbed his hands, and we prayed right there in the middle of all these kids and adults milling around us. I’d love to tell you it was a beautiful prayer, and that he immediately was healed. But, I’m pretty sure it was the most jumbly, fumbly prayer that I’ve ever prayed. When I said “Amen,” I looked up, and he was smiling at me behind those rose tinted glasses.

How could he be smiling? How could he be spending what precious little time he has left hanging out at a kids camp? How could he be so happy?

My only guess is that Rick knows that soon he will be having a divine appointment, the last appointment that he will ever have, and it will be good.

So very good.

I’m praying for you, Rick. May the days you have left bring you as much joy and peace as I felt with you today.

Dealing With It.

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I’d love for this blog to be a record of my successes, both numerous and glorious, something that years from now I could print out and let me kids read so that they would see the feeble old man in the bed in front of them was once a man who really made an impact on this world and really did some great stuff.  If I just wrote about those things, though, I’d be lying about my life.

The truth is, life gets really messy sometimes.  And often, I’m right in the middle of the mess.

This past year has been a difficult year of ministry for me.  Because the way I do things at church, and some of the things I’ve written right here on this blog, people have chosen to leave our church.  I guess this is to be expected; sometimes people just can’t see eye to eye.  The problem with this is that I never intended to hurt anyway.  Anything and everything I do is just trying to follow the will of God and do what He’s calling me to do in my life and ministry.  But, where that gets messy is when it causes people to be hurt.  

The hardest thing is losing friends over a decision you make in the ministry.  This past year, some good friends of ours left the church because of a blog post I wrote.  I got called some names that weren’t true because of another post, but that didn’t mean they didn’t hurt.  I have been called out, questioned, and caused to examine why I do what I do and why I think like I think.  And all of that was extremely time consuming, grueling, and painful.  

Dealing with all that did have one benefit, though.  You never go through pain and survive it without growing afterwards.  Those experiences were painful, and I hate that they happened, but with God’s help, I was able to grow as a person and a minister.  This past year has also been one of the most fruitful times of my life spiritually that I can remember.  I’ve gained friends, understanding, confidence in my position, my wife and I have grown closer and I feel like I’ve become a better father.  All of that goodness came with a price though.

As a human being who has been hurt and is a “fixer” by nature, I wish I could have my friends back.  I wish I could repair those broken relationships.  I wish I could make decisions that left everyone breathless and drew more and more people to our church and to what God is doing.  But then, I remember something…..I can’t do it.  I never have been, and I’m never going to be able to.  

Only God can.  When I remember that, that’s how I deal with it.  

Life Isn’t Fair

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Sometimes life is not fair.  And don’t tell me that how it was designed.  I know that.  I know it’s not fair, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t complain.  

Life isn’t fair because kids go hungry everyday.  Life isn’t fair because woman get beaten.  Life isn’t fair because this morning one of the sweetest people I know is laying in a hospital bed dealing with the fact that she may never use her legs again.

She’s got Down’s Syndrome and a bad heart…..why add one more thing?

Another couple who are friends of Erin and I found out more bad news this week regarding a pregnancy.  I look at them, I see just how amazing they would be as parents, and I ask why.  Why not right now?  Why can they not have a child?  

I’ve got to admit I’m really struggling with these things.  I didn’t think I was at first, but I really am.  I know that God is in control and that this is all part of a greater plan, but we all have moments where it’s hard to trust that, right?

Sure we do.  And if you don’t, you’re some kind of superChristian that I really need to get to know and be around because I’m pretty sure that you’re not real.  

In Psalm 56:4, David found himself captured by Philestines.  I’m sure at the time, this didn’t seem much like a fair situation, and it was during that time that he wrote these words:

In God, whose word I praise, 

in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. 

What can flesh do to me? 

When it’s hard to trust, when it’s hard to believe, when it’s hard to keep going, we have to remember these words: I shall not be afraid.  
That is a tall order to be sure, but if we call ourselves believers, then trust is the very foundation of faith.  

This is a Test

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It was almost one year ago that I had a pulmonary embolism that nearly ended my life.  

I’m sure some of you are getting tired of me talking about it.  If you are, just don’t tell me ok?

There’s something about almost dying that will do weird things to you.  It messes with your head.  And, if you had any shred of that phantom teenager invincibility with you, it just rips that thing right out from under you and tosses it into the furnace.  

I say all that because tomorrow, I’m going back to the doctor for another test.  Why?

It started about 6 months ago.  I noticed I was having trouble focusing on things.  To be blunt, I couldn’t keep something going once I had it started.  For instance, it would take me about 20 minutes to do something that would take anyone else about 5.  Lots of things got started but never finished, and it seemed like what I had good ideas they ended up floating in this ethereal muck in my mind that allowed me to see them but not allow them to crystallize.  It was frustrating, but not terribly.  

Then, it started really affecting my work.  I knew it wasn’t just distraction…it was some kind of problem.

Of course, the first thing I turned to was that it had to be ADHD.  I mean, a few years ago I took phenteramine and not only did it make me lose some weight, it really sharpened me up.  That’s because it’s basically SPEED.  Well, I blamed my attention problems on that, went to the doctor, and lo and behold in my bloodwork: my thyroid levels are low.  

Low?  Really?

Yes, really.  An ultrasound about a week later confirmed that indeed, there is some growth on my thyroid that is causing it to underperform.  So today, (this morning actually, at 10:50!) I get to swallow a radioactive pill and then they light me up with scanners and see what’s really going on.  

I’m scared senseless.  

Logic, friends, and family tell me it’s nothing but something in me can’t, no, won’t believe them.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I think that if I sell myself the worst case scenario first, then if it actually happens it won’t be so bad.  Or, maybe that if it’s less than that, I’ll be even more relieved.  Who knows?

All I know is that I’d appreciate any thoughts and prayers you could give as you think about me today.  I want the problem to be solved.  Not just the growth, mind you, but the greater problem of my concentration.  I want to be able to work at 100% and do what I love in a way that shows that I truly love it.  I want to be able to hold thoughts and finish things.  I want to go just a little while without something medically going wrong.

And then a second thought occurs to me: maybe this test is really just that, a test.  This test is a different kind of test all along.  

I’m praying I pass.

UPDATE: The doctor I saw this morning told me that my thyroid is slightly enlarged, and that based on her reading of my ultrasound, there was NO MASS.  She also stated that my thyroid levels are only slightly off, and that I may require no treatment for it at all.  They drew more blood and that was only to retest my levels and see what kind of reading they got.  I’m resting today in the fact that prayer works and God has been in control of this the whole time.